C12 Mary Confesses

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Mary makes a confession to Amarte

My Dearest Amarte,

I am sitting here at Aggie’s house in Mandeville, wanting to write to you but it is so difficult to say some things which I really want to say.

Let me start with the things which are easy to say, I pray that life is treating you well and you are making progress with the initiatives you are pursuing.

The easiest thing to say to you is the most truthful thing my lips have ever uttered in my life.

I love you with all of my heart which is known to me, yet though I have loved you more than I have ever loved another human being, out of shame and the fear of losing you I have not been truthful to you about myself.

Every time I tried to tell you the truth, my shame like an impenetrable shield became an obstacle which I could not penetrate.

I have lived with this shame for too long and it is now time to let you know that your Mary is not who you thought she was, the woman you made such sweet and passionate love to in New York was not the virgin she made you believe that she was.

From the age of 5 to 18 years old she was her father’s sex slave, she was raped ravaged and made to do things that would make you shudder just to contemplate them, from I was fourteen years old my father raped me consistently until I left Jamaica only the last time I was not raped I agreed to let him do what he did to me.

He gave me three non negotiable options, I willingly gave myself to him and then I move to America, or he would have you killed, the people to kill you were just waiting for his signal I chose to let you live, the price I paid was one I was not prepared for, I left Jamaica carrying my father’s child in my stomach, I had an abortion in California, I came to you in New York not as a virgin but as a very used woman my father’s slut.

This is the whole truth, anything else I told you were half truths, I have tried to live with this guilt all my life but I am not handling it very well right now, thank God for Aggie whom I have told everything she has been my rock and she keeps me from falling apart.

Amarte, you are the most noble human being I have ever known and you deserve someone better than me, I am a psychologically damaged person, I was robbed of my innocence, my virginity, my dignity, my self esteem, and my self confidence.

All I have left is anger, pain, sorrows and turmoil, I have no aspirations, I have actually lost the will to live.

I write to you my dearest friend because you deserve to know the truth about the woman I know you love so much, of all the sorrows I now feel, the greatest is that I cannot be to you what I wanted to be.

When I said that you were the only man who ever made love to me I told you the truth because you are the only man I ever willingly gave myself to.

When I said that you were the only man I ever made love to, I told you the truth, I just never told you that there was another man who raped me because I was ashamed

During the rare moments when I smile it is usually because I am thinking of you, for the days, months or years in which life tarries with me, I will always carry you in my heart, I pray too my love that you will always have a place in your heart for

Mary

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